Brand new questions…

New 50 questions:

1. Your very first car.

1978 white Ford mustang

2. Your first friend.

A girl named Angela who lived down the street from me.  She was so mean.

3. Item you have that you have owned longer than anything else.

I have a long coat I got at Burlington Coat Factory back in about 1980

4. What you order the most at Starbucks.

Just coffee, but I hardly go

5. Body parts that are double jointed.

just my fingers as far as I know

6. Name a shortcut you take in your daily routine.

I try to do everything at once so I can get everything done.  I pick up things and put them where they belong in order of where I am in the house

7. let’s say you become the opposite sex for one day. What would you do?

Duh!  I would have sex!

8. Craziest place you have had sex.

hard to say… maybe on the pontoon?

9. What was(is) your favorite subject in High School?

English Literature

10. Your very first pet?

a poodle named “Beanie”

11. The first toy you have memory of…

I had a big bunny named Nancy

12. What do you spend most of your day doing?

watching TV and keeping the kitchen clean

13. CNN, FOX, MSNBC, HLN?

I used to watch HLN but I don’t watch any of them now

14. What friend do you miss the most?

My best friend Joni who lives in Texas

15. Your most favorite holiday.

none of them really since my kids are grown

16. What would be your ideal day?

go to a spa and then have a nice Italian dinner in a cool Restaurant

17. Tennis shoes or sandals?

Tennis shoes by a long shot!

18. Favorite alcoholic beverage? Why?

My all time favorite has been Captain Morgan spiced rum and diet coke.  But I don’t drink much liquor any more.  I always said that Captain Morgan was the only man who has ever been good to me (but he really wasn’t good to me at all lol)

19. Slow dance or fast dance?

fast dance usually unless it is a really special person

20. What was(is) your best age so far?

26 has been my best age so far

21. What is a celebrity you hate?

Kanye West

22. Name your favorite crime show?

I have loved so many it is hard to say.  Criminal Minds?

23. Who do you wish would show up at your door today?

a new friend

24. What do you put in your taco?

just some cheese, lettuce, seasoned ground beef and sauce

25. Your best trait, in your opinion?

I really care about another persons happiness

26. What is your opinion of Pee Wee Herman?

I think he is a little perv in a cute way.  I think Jim Parsons has got to be related to him somehow

27. Fifty Shades of Grey anyone?

well, I haven’t seen it but I am pretty sure I have already tried all 50

28. Name your guilty pleasure.

brownies are my guilty pleasure at this point

29. How many times have your been in love? Explain…

I often try to analyze that.  I could say it has been about five times that I “thought” I was in love.  But really it was probably just once

30. If you could choose between 20 new pairs of sweat pants or 2 new pairs of dress pants, which would you choose?

20 sweats in a heartbeat

31. How much do you know about your neighbors?

I know very little and I try not to  figure them out

32. How much do your neighbors know about you?

little and I want to keep it that way

33. How do you organize your underwear drawer?

from left to right; sports bras, socks, underwear

34. Earliest childhood memory?

I remember talking to my imaginary friends named “Greenie”

35. Where was the best place you have lived so far?

My first actual “house” I had in Florida

36. What do you drive and where do you drive it?

I drive an S-10 pick up and mostly just to the grocery store

37. If you won the lottery, who would you share it with and why?

I would share it with my kids of course

38. What is your Karaoke song?

I have never done Karaoke but I guess if I did, it would be “Hotel California” by the Eagles

39. How old to you feel?

some days my body feels about 60 and my mind feels about 13

40. Massage, shopping trip or fishing trip?

fishing trip

41. What is your go to comedy show?

Big Bang Theory of course

42. What do you hum or sing as you work around the house?

Lots of things like; “here she comes, miss America”…. “Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s to much..”…”Great is thy Faithfulness…” ect…

43. Spend two hours in Wal-Mart or 30 minutes online shopping?

how about 15 minutes online shopping

44. What item of clothing do you wear all of the time, except in the shower?

Socks, I have got to be wearing socks, even if I am completely naked.  Not that my feet look bad, just gotta have em

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

my weight

46. Spring or Autumn?

Autumn and I am looking forward to it now

47. Tell about a bad dream…

Most bad dreams are about my kids, like having a knife sticking up in the dishwasher and my son falling on it or my daughter fixing to walk off a cliff and I can’t reach her.

48. Book you read as a child.

I can’t remember anything I read but I remember the books that I read to my kids like “Ferdinand the Bull”

49. Embarrassing moment?

Well, the most recent is when I went to wave at my neighbor and when I lifted my hand up, it got caught on my shirt so I lifted my hand and the shirt.  He got a greeting and a show at the same time

50. What is the TV channel you watch the most?

now with my new channels, I mostly have it on ID or the cooking channel

 

Testing myself…again…

As always,  I am ever analyzing myself.  One thing that I still seem to be trying to work out is my sexual orientation.  Every so often, I date just to see if maybe this one might make me forget.  Usually, it is a big waste of time.  This time was no different.

I have successfully dated men a few times in my life.  Looking back, it seems that the men that I really enjoyed hanging out with, whether dating or friendship, were men that helped me form who I am and my personality.  Those men were interesting to me because I could learn from them.  I can to this day, see a little piece of them in who I am today.  But, I think those days are over.

I went on a date last week.  I once again felt the need to test myself.  These phases usually come when I start feeling insecure about being alone.  The fact that my father is getting older and not able to be my go to man when I need one, weighs on me lately.  Also, of course, wanting to fit into society.  Especially where I have lived for the last 15 years.   This place is extremely old fashion and the people are stuck in the stone age.  It is a small town and everyone knows everyone else’s business.  Anything different from the “old way of thinking” is wrong.

This guy that I went out with would fit in just right in my family and this area.   He is a major player in this town.  A retired firefighter, he knows everyone.  His tight-knit family are very set in their ways.  I can’t learn anything from this dude at all!   Nothing about him interests me and I am not in the least sexually attracted to him.

I am playing that heartless game of not answering texts or giving some lame excuse for being too busy to talk to him.  I think he is catching on.  Meanwhile, I am on the internet talking to as many women as I can.  It is like I am trying my best to feel comfortable again.  I did the test and I have the answers to the problem.   But the realization means that more likely than not, I will be alone the rest of my life unless I move away from this area.  I would love to do that but I have a responsibly to my aging parents.  My priorities are my kids who aren’t too far away from here  and my parents as long as they are alive.  I worried them and weren’t there for them for the first half of my life and I need to be who I need to be  cause they need me now and will need me more and more.

So, it is settled until I forget all of this and think I need to test myself again.  I don’t learn lessons very easily and I am not good at making decisions.  These are the thoughts in my mind right now.  For some reason, it seems that when I am feeling introspective, this song by Oasis, plays in the back of my mind as I am contemplating . I hope you enjoy the song. Have a great rest of the week!  ;-)

Scams, sexting and whistles

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Hi all!!  I hope everyone is having a great summer.  I guess I could say that I have had an interesting few weeks.  It has been one of those phases that I have often in my life when it seems that everything is just in slow motion or better yet, standing still.  This is hard for me as I am a very prompt person and I like things to turn out as expected.

Last time I posted, I was talking about my mental health and possibly going back on one of my medications.  Well, nothing has been resolved as of yet and it has been what, maybe three or so weeks?  One doctor went on vacation and when he got back, my psych doctor decided to take a couple of weeks off.  Thankfully, my regular doctor has just decided to have me come in on Monday and get this taken care of.   I hate delays and I don’t like not knowing when something will take place.  I just am wired that way.  It brings me great stress to live in the unknown.

Last Tuesday morning as I was playing a Facebook game, suddenly my internet quit working.  I called tech support and after many attempts to bring it back, she told me that my modem had went caput and I was going to have to have it replaced.  I asked how much and she said 75$.  I blew up and said I can’t pay that and I was just going to have to have it cut off.  I didn’t leave her any room to talk about insurance.  So, I called back and instead talked to customer service and told him my ordeal and he told me about how I could get the insurance, have one sent to me free and then cancel the insurance after one month and not pay anything.  I was relieved and I accepted the insurance and had him order my new modem.  When will it arrive? I asked.   He said… “oh tomorrow!” I was happy about that.   Then tomorrow came and went, then the next day and another day.  I was crawling out of my skin because it was late.  I didn’t call back until Friday.   I was told that it never was ordered.  OMG!  If I had only called back Wednesday when it hadn’t come!  But I was trying to be patient like a good person and accept that it was going to be a little late.  So, it was reordered and I was told it wouldn’t get here until next Tuesday.  That would mean I would go a whole week with no internet! It arrived the next day.  That was a pleasant unknown surprise.  I had resorted to using the telephone book. I had to dust it off and try to find phone numbers by hand.  I couldn’t look up my bank balance or anything so I didn’t really know what my balance was for a few days.  I check my account every morning religiously.  Past experience has taught me to make sure what is in there and that so forgotten charge has been drawn on my account while I sleep at night.

I have also been at war with a phone scam called “Credit card services”.  I am sure you have heard of it.  At first I would tell them that I do not own any credit cards and hang up.  Then they start calling every week, sometimes twice a week.  They start saying “This is your final warning!” Lol!  That didn’t sit well with me.  I started just hanging up.  Then I started noticing that the caller ID stopped saying “Credit card services” and started saying all kinds of other things.  Just recently, when they call, my own name and number shows up.  I am just tired of getting calls from them while I am trying to have a conversation with people I want to talk to or being woken up from a nap by scammers coming into my home by phone. I read up on it online and they are just a scam running out of Nigeria or something.  They have been running this since 2009 and getting away with it.  All they want is to talk you into giving them your credit card number.  It must still be working or they would have given up long ago.  It blows my mind that there are people in this country who would fall for that.   Anyway, I watched a clip on U-tube Where  Dr. Phil ( I am not a fan or anything)  actually answered a call from them and talked to the person.  It was hilarious.

After watching this, I decided to go to war.  The next time they called, I pressed “1″ and waited for the person to take the call and as soon as they began speaking, I screamed bloody murder right into the phone.  They called once after that and I did the same thing again.   My throat was getting really sore from screaming so I went out and bought a whistle.  It is a really loud and shrill one.  Now I am waiting for them to call again.  They haven’t called anymore.  Another unknown.  I am so looking forward to blowing that whistle!  Those are a few things that have been frustrating me lately.  Yes, I know, I am easily frustrated.

So, I sexted with someone last night for the first time in my life.  I don’t have a camera on my phone so I guess it was just barely sexting lol!  But anyway, that was interesting.  Now I have to show up for dinner and meet this person in a few days.  That should be fun lol.  I know I am going to need a couple of glasses of wine or it will be entirely too embarrassing.  But, I am tired of the “me” I have been lately.  I was always so spontaneous and daring before and I have closed up into a tight shell for the last few years.  I’ve been getting sick of it.  But I have to say this is one unknown that I kind of dread along with not being able to wait.  I need friends and I need to get active again.  So we will see how that goes!

Sorry for the long drawn out post.  Thanks for being patient and reading.  I hope you all have had a great weekend and will enjoy a wonderful week ahead.  I am just hoping I can recover from all the frustration lol.  Love you all! ♥

My brain is tired

adult-add-adhd-mindTo put it simply, this image is me.  I don’t usually wear a tie however lol.  But, from the neck up, that is definitely me.  There is no explaining what is going on in my head because there are no adequate words.

I won’t go into my history for those of you who haven’t been with me for all these years (3).   But I have been diagnosed with various things including: Anxiety disorder, Borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder and maybe a few more that I can not remember.  Seems like every phase I go through, the diagnoses’  changes.   I had been doing well with minimal medication and had stopped therapy altogether after 12 years with the same psychologist.   But recently, it got to where I just can’t take it and I need a break.

So, I went back to my old therapist last week.  Now, my new diagnosis is ADHD.   Well, actually, I have to go get tested for it but it really fits.  In reality, this might have been my real problem all along.  It might have brought on that mental nervous breakdown that spiraled into all of the other diagnoses.   What I do know is that I need to go back on Geodon asap.

However, I would not be able to see a prescribing Doctor at the place where my therapist is for several months since I am no longer on their schedule.   I made the decision about a year ago to just start getting my refills from my MD.   So, my therapist wants to talk to him about prescribing the Geodon for me.  I was off of it when he began filling my Mental health medications.  Hopefully he will agree to do it.  Of course though, he is out-of-town until July.

I have a habit of making rash decisions and causing everything to get complicated.  I should have just stayed on the medicine as my therapist advised.  But no, I thought going off of it might help me lose weight.  Plus, I was afraid that my emotions were being numbed.   After a year without it, my weight has gone up substantially and there is no change in my emotions.

Now, I am waiting impatiently.  My racing, disorganized thoughts are exhausting me.  I have been living on using various coping skills to get through it but they are not working anymore.  It seems my mind is buzzing non-stop for weeks on end until it finally just shuts down and I get a few days of rest.  I am hoping that if the results of the computerized test say that I do have ADHD, they can prescribe something that will control all of this in my head.  But for right now, I just have got to keep trying to focus on something positive.

I have taken on a new challenge to keep me occupied for now.  I decided to completely give up “pop”, come call it “soda”.   My stomach has gotten so bloated and pain has been unbearable.  I have been feeling pain like I might have an ulcer.  Also, I have been experiencing pain in my intestines.  After not having any carbonated beverages this week, the pain and bloating has just about stopped.  I am so glad I decided to do this.  I had been drinking about 3-4 Diet pops a day at least.  Now, I drink decaffeinated ice tea and water.  I have also noticed that my appetite has decreased as well.  It would be so great if I could lose at least 25 or 30 pounds in the next few months.

When all of this gets straightened out, hopefully I will be feeling much better.  I hope you all are having a great weekend!  If you have any advice for me, just let me know!

 

My daddy

daddyI just got home from having father’s day dinner with my dad (and mom).  He is really down today.  His father is really old (96) and in a situation that isn’t very good.   My dad’s sister has been drinking a lot lately and has said some pretty mean things to my grandpa.  She has been badgering him about what kind of a father he was to her.  She is claiming that he never loved her because he didn’t spend enough time with her or say ” I love you” enough.  She asked him if he had ever changed her diaper when she was a baby.  My dad knows that my grandpa worked so hard to raise her.  No, he didn’t have a lot of time to spend with her because he was always working to provide for her.  Men back in those days just didn’t say “I love you” all the time.  They showed their love the best way they could.  Dad hates that my grandpa has to listen to this in his old age.  So, he is depressed.

My dad wasn’t the best dad in the world.  He has done things in my life that have really made me angry.  Some of the things were him actually reacting in the wrong way because he does love me.   He hasn’t been perfect in his words or actions and there are many times when he has hurt me emotionally.  But, there is no doubt in my mind of his love for me.  He is 74 years old and I am not going to start bringing up all of his mistakes to hurt him now.  In my card to him I wrote that  I want to spend the years ahead showing how much I love him and appreciate him for all he has done.

If I were looking for a prince, there could never be one that could be what my dad has been.  He is a totally selfless person.  He has no problem putting my mother, me and my daughter before himself.  He lives to please.  That is all he knows.  Sometimes that has been to a fault.   I wish that he had stood up for himself more and thought of his own wants and needs more.  But he didn’t.

I know that there are many people who have real hurts about their fathers and their childhood.  I just hope that we as children of our parents will excuse the petty things that we hold against them.  Things like, not enough attention, lack of communication or his personal mistakes.  I hope that we can be thankful if we had a father who actually tried.

Today we have the idea that we can blame our parents for everything wrong in our lives or every problem we have.  Yes, many things about our upbringing affect the way we make decisions or deal with our own problems.  I will be the first to agree with that.  But, many of them, if they knew that they affected us in a negative way, they would be crushed.  Being a parent is a trial and error thing unfortunately.  I appreciate my dad for the many things he has done right.  He is my daddy.  As I see him get older, all I want to do is make his last years happy and content.  Whatever happened in the past isn’t important now.

Happy Father’s day to all the fathers who are reading this post!

When did my free spirit die?

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A couple of days ago, I did something stupid. I was drinking some wine and started trying to look up people from my past. I have never been able to find the very first guy I met immediately after my divorce on the internet. This was the person who showed me the real world.  I had been so extremely sheltered all my life forced to live and think a certain way.  In my marriage, I was completely controlled by my husband.  This guy was the first person to help me discover who I was and what I wanted.

That night, I found out that he was on some business site.  I tried to click on him to just see what I could find out. But it said I had to sign in to do that. So I signed in through Facebook. I didn’t know that I had joined. I clicked on him and I realized that I had “connected” to him. I freaked out and tried to undo what I had done and I couldn’t.  I just had to leave the site and hope that he didn’t inquire about it.  Later on, I got an email saying that he had connected with me.  Oh no! I just ignored it, nothing I could do anyway.

Then, the next morning, I checked my email and he had messaged me. He said, “can’t find any info. Who is this?”. What? He didn’t even remember me? But I had signed in as my Facebook name, so he wouldn’t have known. I messaged him saying that I had known him way back right after my divorce. He replied “Carla from Polk City?” So we talked.

This has really gotten me thinking about who I was and who I am today. My heart hurts for the carefree and openness to the world I had back then. It made me miss Florida so much. I could just about smell the salty air as he talked about his plans to take the boat out into the ocean for some fishing.  I more than ever, realized that a part of me has died.

I have pondered this before but it really hit home at that moment on how my life could have been if I hadn’t moved up here to Kentucky. Would I have stayed a free spirit? Would I have not had a mental breakdown? Would I have stayed in shape? Living here and all of the things that have happened had surely resulted in a lot of damage. But, leaving Florida wasn’t a choice. I couldn’t make a living divorced with two kids and no education. I would have had to start depending on someone, probably some man. That would probably have destroyed my spirit as well and I probably still would have broken down.

I also, after talking to him, realized that he is still exactly the same person at 47 that he was back when he was 25.  I thought about my life if I had never learned my lessons.  I thought about where I would be now if I still acted like I did back then.  It made me feel thankful that life has changed me.  Even though it took a lot of pain and bad mistakes, I was able to pull myself up and become a better person.

He was teasing me about getting on a plane and going down there to fish on the ocean with him.  A few years ago I probably would have.  But now,  I wouldn’t do that for anything.  I may feel old, be out of shape and live a much simpler and boring live now compared to then, but I wouldn’t go back to that if I could.  It just isn’t in me now.  Maybe I would have been more adventurous if I had stayed in Florida and kept my free spirit but what is done is done now and that was me then and this is me now.  I am thankful for my life.

 

So this is what Politics has come to in the U.S.?

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This was posted today on Facebook by a dear friend I have had for about 25 years.  I love her and her family very much but this image really shows where our country has gone when it comes to politics.   Really, think about it.   This is what our people’s political stance is based on?

Robert Bergdahl and his family has been through five years of trauma dealing with having a son in captivity on a foreign country.  The fact that he grew a beard and spent time trying to understand the Islamic culture is really none of our business.  I am sure he is glad to have his son home.  The fact that Obama, who is a liberal democrat, has made this happen doesn’t mean that Islam is taking over the country.  I will also say that Mr. Phil Robertson isn’t the answer for our country either.  Our government is complex.  We need someone who can work on our economy, spending, our structure as a whole.  We can’t hold a nation together when all we are focusing on are social issues and religion.

Personally, I have reservations about releasing Taliban soldiers.  I certainly do not want our country to turn into some Islamic state.  I don’t want a president that pushes any extreme religion.  Just because a majority of our country seems to be of some form of Christian faith and many of our founding fathers had some religious ties, doesn’t mean that we are a country based on any religion.  The fact that Obama hugged a man with a beard who happened to have studied the religion of the people who had his son, doesn’t mean our country is going to start praying to “Allah”.  This is really grasping at straws in my opinion.

The way we as citizens are handling this two-party Government is getting way out of hand.  I will be honest and say that I don’t like Obama myself.  I think he is the worst President we have had since I can remember.  But it has nothing to do with the fact that he is a Democrat.  Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I am not a Democrat or Republican.  I am a registered Independent.  This kind of thing that I am talking about is one of many good reasons why I have chosen this.  Before you say that my votes are wasted, I will say that I am not going to vote for someone who I do not think is good for this country just so you can possibly have one more Republican or Democrat vote.  Not to be rude but it isn’t my fault that most of America isn’t quite ready to think for themselves.   It will happen though, I believe, but it may not be until both parties have thoroughly destroyed our country financially and ruined our reputation to the rest of the world.

Anyway, back to the subject, I don’t understand why we can’t at least choose our battles wisely if we are going to fight like children.  This is not healthy debate.  This is nonsense.   When we have a Republican president, the dems spend the whole time picking fights until we have a democrat in office.  Then the Republicans start nick picking.   What were they saying when this image was published? lol

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O.K that is enough for now.  I am trying not to get into these kinds of subjects on my blog anymore but  I just had to say something about this.   I hope everyone is having a great week.  Looks like we are getting ready to have a storm here.