Identity crisis

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Last week I was in my therapists office and I blurted out that I think I have been going through an identity crisis for the last like three years.  When I said it, it really hit home and I thought “yeah that’s true”.  But after I left and for the last week, I have been thinking that I may have been going through one all of my life.

I have often said that I feel like I have a host of different’ personalities.  But maybe I just don’t know who I am.  I tend to look over my life at the many opinions, many opposing actions and levels of happiness and sorrow, and it seems like it has all happened to several different people. In fact, it was all me. 

I attribute part of this to the fact that there were always people pressuring me to be one thing or the other and it got me confused somehow.  Maybe I am over-reacting and everyone feels like this. I wish I knew.   Have you ever wanted to somehow read other people’s minds just for the purpose of comparing there thoughts to yours?

I don’t think that this will ever be resolved in me unfortunately.  I am entirely too analytical as any of you who have followed my blog for a long period of time knows.  I know that I am doing a lot better with that lately. 

I hope you all have had a great week!  Btw, I have a new blog now.  It is called T.M.I.  and it is exactly what it says, too much information.  A lot of people say that I have no filter but I really try to, especially on this blog.  I kind of feel like my blog has changed so much over the years and I have a mixed audience here.  So, I am going to invite you all to my new blog but I will warn you, it could offend you or not be anything you would want to read about.  But please understand that this blog is still so very much a part of me.  The link is simply http://lala1966.wordpress.com/

Have a wonderful and restful weekend everyone!

What’s going on…

Yesterday-I-was-clever

 

 

 

 

 

I like the quote above.  I saw it mentioned in another blog I came across while going through the reader last night.  I am going to say that this pretty much describes how I have evolved in my 2 1/2 years of blogging.  Sums me up pretty good actually.

Now, my life tries to stay as routine as possible so a certain amount of change in a relatively small period of time makes me question whether or not I am going hypomanic.  This fear makes me stay in pretty much of a rut most of the time.  But, lately, a few changes have happened in my little world that are worth noting.  They may not seem like anything at all to most people but for me, it means that I have traveled outside my “normal” daily living for a change and that is good, I hope.

First off, I have changed my way of eating.  Now, I don’t jump to conclusions when it comes to this because from time to time I make changes and they last about a week.  But now I believe I have made a lasting change in my eating habits.  I hope so at least.  For about the last three weeks I have begun being really aware of what and how much I eat.  By this I mean as an example,  before preparing a meal, I think about what I could do with that meal to make it more healthy.  I have stopped frying chicken and instead, making it in the oven with some lemon seasoning or throwing it into the crock pot with some rice, broccoli and fat free chicken broth.   I have also started changing my portions.  I have always had a problem with that.  If something is good, then more is better.  I would always rather just eat the whole thing instead of getting out a small amount and saving the rest.  I have learned that good food eating the next day is still good food.  I have also changed what I snack on.  I have never been someone whole sat on the couch with a big bag of greasy chips or cookies that much but my snacking needed portion control and a face lift.  My saving grace has been “Skinny girl” popcorn and Special K chips and crackers.  In the last three weeks I have lost about 6 lbs.

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I have also done something drastic for me.  I have joined a gym.  Yes, I am working out among other humans in a close environment.  It isn’t all that bad usually.  Some people are obnoxious but some have made for some good conversation.  I don’t see the girl of my dreams walking in there though.  But I am slowing getting my heart pumping and burning a few calories finally.

I started back on Geodon as I mentioned a couple of posts ago and I thank God for the stuff. It has made a big difference for me.  It has curbed my paranoia and stopped the irrational racing thoughts so much.  My mental state is much improved.  I must say.

I have still been visiting the dating site and have made a new profile to meet some ladies in my area.  That has led me to meeting and talking with some really cool chicks but no one that really lives close enough to actually meet yet.  It is a good place to get on when I am feeling lonely and that no one is out there for me.  I feel more like myself when talking to women.  I can’t change that.

Another huge change for me is that I have gotten a smart phone.  I have thought about it for a while.  I mean everyone else has one right?  I have been wanting to get a cell phone that I can use for my only phone.  Then I can do away with the home phone.  I have been using a cheap little trac phone for ages and it just doesn’t get enough reception to use all of the time.  I live kind of out in the country and it is hard to get even the internet here.  I ordered a cell plan from T-Mobile but there weren’t any towers around here and it was worthless.  I had to send it back and cancel.  It was a really good deal too, more what I could afford but it was of no use to me if I couldn’t use it at home.  So, I went and purchased a phone and plan with Verizon.  It is a much more expensive investment but the service in my area is crystal clear at least.   It has been a challenge to figure out my new phone.  I still am having a couple of issues.  For one, I tried to call and pay a bill over the phone yesterday and I was trying to use an automated system.  When the voice asked me to either press “1” or “2” I looked and I didn’t have a key pad up on the phone and when I found it, pressing the number didn’t do anything.  The voice didn’t even recognize that I had pressed anything.  I am also having trouble figuring out how to take pictures with the camera and sending them to my email or Face Book.   I think I am going to swing by Verizon today and see if they can explain it to me.

So, these may not seem like drastic changes to anyone else but they are to me.  I have a little hint of fear inside me about changing things but I think I will get over it.  Hopefully I will learn through this not to fear change so much and  it isn’t always a bad thing. This turned out to be a long post.  I apologize.   I appreciate all of you who take that time to read about my crazy world.  I hope that you all are having a great week!

 

Brand new questions…

New 50 questions:

1. Your very first car.

1978 white Ford mustang

2. Your first friend.

A girl named Angela who lived down the street from me.  She was so mean.

3. Item you have that you have owned longer than anything else.

I have a long coat I got at Burlington Coat Factory back in about 1980

4. What you order the most at Starbucks.

Just coffee, but I hardly go

5. Body parts that are double jointed.

just my fingers as far as I know

6. Name a shortcut you take in your daily routine.

I try to do everything at once so I can get everything done.  I pick up things and put them where they belong in order of where I am in the house

7. let’s say you become the opposite sex for one day. What would you do?

Duh!  I would have sex!

8. Craziest place you have had sex.

hard to say… maybe on the pontoon?

9. What was(is) your favorite subject in High School?

English Literature

10. Your very first pet?

a poodle named “Beanie”

11. The first toy you have memory of…

I had a big bunny named Nancy

12. What do you spend most of your day doing?

watching TV and keeping the kitchen clean

13. CNN, FOX, MSNBC, HLN?

I used to watch HLN but I don’t watch any of them now

14. What friend do you miss the most?

My best friend Joni who lives in Texas

15. Your most favorite holiday.

none of them really since my kids are grown

16. What would be your ideal day?

go to a spa and then have a nice Italian dinner in a cool Restaurant

17. Tennis shoes or sandals?

Tennis shoes by a long shot!

18. Favorite alcoholic beverage? Why?

My all time favorite has been Captain Morgan spiced rum and diet coke.  But I don’t drink much liquor any more.  I always said that Captain Morgan was the only man who has ever been good to me (but he really wasn’t good to me at all lol)

19. Slow dance or fast dance?

fast dance usually unless it is a really special person

20. What was(is) your best age so far?

26 has been my best age so far

21. What is a celebrity you hate?

Kanye West

22. Name your favorite crime show?

I have loved so many it is hard to say.  Criminal Minds?

23. Who do you wish would show up at your door today?

a new friend

24. What do you put in your taco?

just some cheese, lettuce, seasoned ground beef and sauce

25. Your best trait, in your opinion?

I really care about another persons happiness

26. What is your opinion of Pee Wee Herman?

I think he is a little perv in a cute way.  I think Jim Parsons has got to be related to him somehow

27. Fifty Shades of Grey anyone?

well, I haven’t seen it but I am pretty sure I have already tried all 50

28. Name your guilty pleasure.

brownies are my guilty pleasure at this point

29. How many times have your been in love? Explain…

I often try to analyze that.  I could say it has been about five times that I “thought” I was in love.  But really it was probably just once

30. If you could choose between 20 new pairs of sweat pants or 2 new pairs of dress pants, which would you choose?

20 sweats in a heartbeat

31. How much do you know about your neighbors?

I know very little and I try not to  figure them out

32. How much do your neighbors know about you?

little and I want to keep it that way

33. How do you organize your underwear drawer?

from left to right; sports bras, socks, underwear

34. Earliest childhood memory?

I remember talking to my imaginary friends named “Greenie”

35. Where was the best place you have lived so far?

My first actual “house” I had in Florida

36. What do you drive and where do you drive it?

I drive an S-10 pick up and mostly just to the grocery store

37. If you won the lottery, who would you share it with and why?

I would share it with my kids of course

38. What is your Karaoke song?

I have never done Karaoke but I guess if I did, it would be “Hotel California” by the Eagles

39. How old to you feel?

some days my body feels about 60 and my mind feels about 13

40. Massage, shopping trip or fishing trip?

fishing trip

41. What is your go to comedy show?

Big Bang Theory of course

42. What do you hum or sing as you work around the house?

Lots of things like; “here she comes, miss America”…. “Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s to much..”…”Great is thy Faithfulness…” ect…

43. Spend two hours in Wal-Mart or 30 minutes online shopping?

how about 15 minutes online shopping

44. What item of clothing do you wear all of the time, except in the shower?

Socks, I have got to be wearing socks, even if I am completely naked.  Not that my feet look bad, just gotta have em

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

my weight

46. Spring or Autumn?

Autumn and I am looking forward to it now

47. Tell about a bad dream…

Most bad dreams are about my kids, like having a knife sticking up in the dishwasher and my son falling on it or my daughter fixing to walk off a cliff and I can’t reach her.

48. Book you read as a child.

I can’t remember anything I read but I remember the books that I read to my kids like “Ferdinand the Bull”

49. Embarrassing moment?

Well, the most recent is when I went to wave at my neighbor and when I lifted my hand up, it got caught on my shirt so I lifted my hand and the shirt.  He got a greeting and a show at the same time

50. What is the TV channel you watch the most?

now with my new channels, I mostly have it on ID or the cooking channel

 

My daddy

daddyI just got home from having father’s day dinner with my dad (and mom).  He is really down today.  His father is really old (96) and in a situation that isn’t very good.   My dad’s sister has been drinking a lot lately and has said some pretty mean things to my grandpa.  She has been badgering him about what kind of a father he was to her.  She is claiming that he never loved her because he didn’t spend enough time with her or say ” I love you” enough.  She asked him if he had ever changed her diaper when she was a baby.  My dad knows that my grandpa worked so hard to raise her.  No, he didn’t have a lot of time to spend with her because he was always working to provide for her.  Men back in those days just didn’t say “I love you” all the time.  They showed their love the best way they could.  Dad hates that my grandpa has to listen to this in his old age.  So, he is depressed.

My dad wasn’t the best dad in the world.  He has done things in my life that have really made me angry.  Some of the things were him actually reacting in the wrong way because he does love me.   He hasn’t been perfect in his words or actions and there are many times when he has hurt me emotionally.  But, there is no doubt in my mind of his love for me.  He is 74 years old and I am not going to start bringing up all of his mistakes to hurt him now.  In my card to him I wrote that  I want to spend the years ahead showing how much I love him and appreciate him for all he has done.

If I were looking for a prince, there could never be one that could be what my dad has been.  He is a totally selfless person.  He has no problem putting my mother, me and my daughter before himself.  He lives to please.  That is all he knows.  Sometimes that has been to a fault.   I wish that he had stood up for himself more and thought of his own wants and needs more.  But he didn’t.

I know that there are many people who have real hurts about their fathers and their childhood.  I just hope that we as children of our parents will excuse the petty things that we hold against them.  Things like, not enough attention, lack of communication or his personal mistakes.  I hope that we can be thankful if we had a father who actually tried.

Today we have the idea that we can blame our parents for everything wrong in our lives or every problem we have.  Yes, many things about our upbringing affect the way we make decisions or deal with our own problems.  I will be the first to agree with that.  But, many of them, if they knew that they affected us in a negative way, they would be crushed.  Being a parent is a trial and error thing unfortunately.  I appreciate my dad for the many things he has done right.  He is my daddy.  As I see him get older, all I want to do is make his last years happy and content.  Whatever happened in the past isn’t important now.

Happy Father’s day to all the fathers who are reading this post!

When did my free spirit die?

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A couple of days ago, I did something stupid. I was drinking some wine and started trying to look up people from my past. I have never been able to find the very first guy I met immediately after my divorce on the internet. This was the person who showed me the real world.  I had been so extremely sheltered all my life forced to live and think a certain way.  In my marriage, I was completely controlled by my husband.  This guy was the first person to help me discover who I was and what I wanted.

That night, I found out that he was on some business site.  I tried to click on him to just see what I could find out. But it said I had to sign in to do that. So I signed in through Facebook. I didn’t know that I had joined. I clicked on him and I realized that I had “connected” to him. I freaked out and tried to undo what I had done and I couldn’t.  I just had to leave the site and hope that he didn’t inquire about it.  Later on, I got an email saying that he had connected with me.  Oh no! I just ignored it, nothing I could do anyway.

Then, the next morning, I checked my email and he had messaged me. He said, “can’t find any info. Who is this?”. What? He didn’t even remember me? But I had signed in as my Facebook name, so he wouldn’t have known. I messaged him saying that I had known him way back right after my divorce. He replied “Carla from Polk City?” So we talked.

This has really gotten me thinking about who I was and who I am today. My heart hurts for the carefree and openness to the world I had back then. It made me miss Florida so much. I could just about smell the salty air as he talked about his plans to take the boat out into the ocean for some fishing.  I more than ever, realized that a part of me has died.

I have pondered this before but it really hit home at that moment on how my life could have been if I hadn’t moved up here to Kentucky. Would I have stayed a free spirit? Would I have not had a mental breakdown? Would I have stayed in shape? Living here and all of the things that have happened had surely resulted in a lot of damage. But, leaving Florida wasn’t a choice. I couldn’t make a living divorced with two kids and no education. I would have had to start depending on someone, probably some man. That would probably have destroyed my spirit as well and I probably still would have broken down.

I also, after talking to him, realized that he is still exactly the same person at 47 that he was back when he was 25.  I thought about my life if I had never learned my lessons.  I thought about where I would be now if I still acted like I did back then.  It made me feel thankful that life has changed me.  Even though it took a lot of pain and bad mistakes, I was able to pull myself up and become a better person.

He was teasing me about getting on a plane and going down there to fish on the ocean with him.  A few years ago I probably would have.  But now,  I wouldn’t do that for anything.  I may feel old, be out of shape and live a much simpler and boring live now compared to then, but I wouldn’t go back to that if I could.  It just isn’t in me now.  Maybe I would have been more adventurous if I had stayed in Florida and kept my free spirit but what is done is done now and that was me then and this is me now.  I am thankful for my life.

 

So this is what Politics has come to in the U.S.?

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This was posted today on Facebook by a dear friend I have had for about 25 years.  I love her and her family very much but this image really shows where our country has gone when it comes to politics.   Really, think about it.   This is what our people’s political stance is based on?

Robert Bergdahl and his family has been through five years of trauma dealing with having a son in captivity on a foreign country.  The fact that he grew a beard and spent time trying to understand the Islamic culture is really none of our business.  I am sure he is glad to have his son home.  The fact that Obama, who is a liberal democrat, has made this happen doesn’t mean that Islam is taking over the country.  I will also say that Mr. Phil Robertson isn’t the answer for our country either.  Our government is complex.  We need someone who can work on our economy, spending, our structure as a whole.  We can’t hold a nation together when all we are focusing on are social issues and religion.

Personally, I have reservations about releasing Taliban soldiers.  I certainly do not want our country to turn into some Islamic state.  I don’t want a president that pushes any extreme religion.  Just because a majority of our country seems to be of some form of Christian faith and many of our founding fathers had some religious ties, doesn’t mean that we are a country based on any religion.  The fact that Obama hugged a man with a beard who happened to have studied the religion of the people who had his son, doesn’t mean our country is going to start praying to “Allah”.  This is really grasping at straws in my opinion.

The way we as citizens are handling this two-party Government is getting way out of hand.  I will be honest and say that I don’t like Obama myself.  I think he is the worst President we have had since I can remember.  But it has nothing to do with the fact that he is a Democrat.  Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I am not a Democrat or Republican.  I am a registered Independent.  This kind of thing that I am talking about is one of many good reasons why I have chosen this.  Before you say that my votes are wasted, I will say that I am not going to vote for someone who I do not think is good for this country just so you can possibly have one more Republican or Democrat vote.  Not to be rude but it isn’t my fault that most of America isn’t quite ready to think for themselves.   It will happen though, I believe, but it may not be until both parties have thoroughly destroyed our country financially and ruined our reputation to the rest of the world.

Anyway, back to the subject, I don’t understand why we can’t at least choose our battles wisely if we are going to fight like children.  This is not healthy debate.  This is nonsense.   When we have a Republican president, the dems spend the whole time picking fights until we have a democrat in office.  Then the Republicans start nick picking.   What were they saying when this image was published? lol

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O.K that is enough for now.  I am trying not to get into these kinds of subjects on my blog anymore but  I just had to say something about this.   I hope everyone is having a great week.  Looks like we are getting ready to have a storm here.

On Having Bipolar Disorder and Being Single

lala1966:

Some people may not realize just how much Bipolar Disorder affects the social life.

Originally posted on My Bipolar Roller Coaser:

My last relationship was emotionally abusive and it ended three years ago.  THREE.  YEARS.  AGO.  The emotional abuse story I’ll save for a different day.  This is the longest I have been single since I was 15, the second longest time being only 6 months.  It seems that I am often too intense for people.  I’ve read that people with bipolar disorder fall really fast and really hard and that definitely seems to be my experience.  I miss having someone to comfort me when I’m not feeling well or to hug me or to kiss me or to text me to tell me they hope I’m having a good day.  I know that since I am recently diagnosed, I probably shouldn’t start trying for a relationship right now anyway, but I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship.  At this point, I don’t feel like I’m good…

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