Doctors have mentioned ADHD to me before but I am now finally doing the testing for it. I had all of the symptoms of ADD when I was a child but no one ever saw it and if they had, my parents wouldn’t have been open to testing.
I have been diagnosed with a slew of mental disorders over the last several years. My symptoms have been changing and changing again. It has been hard to pinpoint anything exactly. I started out with a nervous disorder and then it changed to Borderline personality disorder. Then they finally settled on Bipolar II disorder with psychotic features. But now, I am not having those symptoms anymore.
I am hyper 90% of the time. The other 10% I am collapsed in a heap on my couch sleeping finally. I am not depressed just tired in those times. When I am hyper, it is like Hypomania. however, it is almost non-stop. It was mentioned once before by a different psychiatrist than my regular one. But nothing was done, no testing was scheduled. Now finally, I will know for sure in the next couple months.
I find that psychological testing is extremely stressful for me. A lot of the time when I get tested, I get so nervous that I get sick and have to stop and continue the test the next day. This time is no different. I have finished the first 400 questions. I am having the observer test done by my daughter this weekend. Then I will have the other half of the questions next month. I dread the next set of questions but I am determined to complete this because I want to know for sure if it is what I am experiencing.
Here are some of the symptoms I have been experiencing: As a child, I got in trouble all of the time for talking too much, not staying in my seat, not “applying myself” and not finishing my work. I don’t share this a lot but I barely graduated. In fact, my principle called me the day of graduation and informed me that I could walk down the isle. I am sure they just passed me in one class even though I know I had an F. I tried to attend college. I had big plans to be a writer. But I couldn’t handle it. I have started college twice. I have rocked in my chair since I can remember every time I sit down. When I’m standing, I am rocking back and forth on each hip.
I have always done everything fast. I walk fast, talk fast, eat fast, ect. I get easily frustrated. I am impatient. I write everything down and even at times give myself a time allotment to try to force myself focus on what I have to do and finish it. Thoughts run fast and furious through my head 24 hours a day (and night). I know that I have other problems a long with this but I think that some of my other problems are just me trying to cope with not being able to focus.
I have no confidence in myself because I know my history. I know how I fail at so much at things even though I try my heart out. It isn’t really depressing for me because at this point in my life I have resigned myself to this fact. I deal with life as I know it.
I am anxious to find out if this is my problem and if so, how can I treat it. I am always looking for that big answer to my life that will fix me. I dream of finding out the source of what’s wrong with me and it changing my life completely. That probably won’t happen. But I can not help but hope.
I hope you all are having a great weekend!