A person who actually ended up destroying me later, once said to me jokingly, “You are just a turd like all of the rest of us, your just a floater”.
I think that maybe my blog has caused many earlier readers to turn away because of my insistence to see things realistically and believe that things do change for the better. I am the number one person to get really annoyed at overly optimistic people. I view them as airheads to be honest. When all anyone has to say is some out there idea that they are so blessed and that they are going to succeed in everything just by thinking positively, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. That is one characteristic that I do not want to be defined as having.
I do believe in mind over matter. But that concept requires something important; self-discipline. We have to put forth the sweat and tears to be able to overcome the obstacles our mind puts in front of us. But in no case does anyone have the ability to make things go away.
I believe in a few things. One thing is moderation. I think that everything in moderation can be good. That includes the balance of letting ourselves see the bad and also the good in everything. I believe that feeding a certain amount of self-pity is ok. It is kind of necessary. I think seeing the bad for what it is might be one of the only ways to learn from things. The positive things is that we can learn from things and use that to help us overcome things in the future. Being a realist is very important, in my opinion. But having an escape from those bad things is called for on occasions as well. I think sometimes we all need a break from life’s worries and hurts, but in moderation.
Listening to music or reading a poem about the darkness that we can relate to is something that can be good to a certain extent. Hearing someone else’s words of fear, anger, hurt or hopelessness helps us to know that our feelings are valid and that we are not alone in those feelings. But, I believe we can carry this to extreme where we start to wallow in those feelings. Just as listening to, reading and telling ourselves that everything is just really peachy king and looking on the bright side all of the time is just as dangerous. Thinking that everything is going to turn out wonderful no matter what is asking for failure and for disappointment. That is what I mean by moderation.
Having said that, I believe that each of us can have control over how we allow our minds to think. If we want hope, then we should plan for hope. We must realize that there really is a chance that our lives can change. Realize the damage but look for the hope. There is nothing wrong with looking for things to improve in a very realistic way. That is the key. There are realistic possibilities that our lives can have a complete turn around. We don’t need to try to make ourselves think that reality is not there. That is the only way we can learn from it. But, reality can improve. We have got to have the motivation to make it happen.
I say this because this happened to me. Sometimes I wish that I would have started this blog years before I did so you could see the drastic changes in my way of thinking. I give much of the credit to God because it was a miracle. But I have got to have the self-discipline to keep that which I have been given. I know for a fact that a balance in our way of thinking does wonders.
I am not trying to say that I am perfect. I am not by no means. There are still so many things that I still have to struggle with in my mind. I fail in my goals every day. But, that initial change in thinking let’s me know that things still can improve in me and if they don’t, the reality is that If I can’t change something, I can accept myself anyway. It is ok for me to not get everything right. It is ok to have flaws. It is not that I feel like everything is so wonderful all of the time, I just know that it is much better than is was at other points in my life and I have the reality of the past to look back to that proves the possibility that things can improve.
I think that maybe it appears that I expect people to just be better! Like I am disgusted at the world for not seeing things as I have in the last couple of years. I swear to you that all I want is for everyone to feel happy and know that there is hope. We can face and accept reality as it is knowing that it doesn’t have to always be that way. I just really do care. I often analyze myself because it is said that every good deed has a selfish motive to it under the surface. I believe that to a certain extent. But, I don’t see that this is what that is. But I know that I am capable of not being self-aware. I don’t know really what the motive is.
But, I get depressed, I dwell on old hurts. I get angry about things that don’t go my way. I think very selfishly sometimes. There are things about me that would shock you if I told you. Things that I have to really use that self-discipline on. Things that as of yet, I have not conquered about myself. No one is ever going to be perfect or even close to it. All I wish for is inner hope. I just want people to see the big picture. God is part of that big picture. God is not a concept to take away people’s freedom or to make people feel unacceptable. When you know who made everything to come into existence and the one who made you who you are, you know that you are not going at it alone. All of our emotions and needs are known by the one who made us. Nothing can separate us from God. No matter what stupid people say, God doesn’t hate anyone and our life is what it is because the complex way in which we were created. Yes, we make our own choices and the choices that others make can affect our lives as well. But when it is all said and done, no one knows us like God. That doesn’t have to be a scary thought. I have done the most perverted things and thought the most destructive thoughts and I know that God has seen it all. But, He made me and He knows everything that has every happened in and around my life. He knows all of the reasons for why I am who I am. All He ever wanted to do was to make my life better. He just wanted to be there to heal me. We don’t have to make ourselves acceptable to God, we can allow Him to make us what we should be. Letting that happen will not force us or take away the freedom. Our wants just change into what he wants. He wants to be our happiest and our best. He can help us achieve this.
I say the strong things I say in my blog mostly out of just passionate concern. I worry about the state of people and the world. I know I over-think and analyze. I know that it is not my business. I know that my worries are many times impulsive. I have experienced this in my personal life as a mother. My kids can tell you that I am this way. But, I just can’t ignore the fact that there is something ahead for us all. Something that we don’t want to miss. Something that we never thought would happen in a million years.
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My heart is hurting this morning. It does this sometimes but I don’t really ever share this feeling. There are days when many things come to mind that make my heart not just ache but feel like it is being stabbed. Like my heart is being pierced.
