Watch this video if you are a mom or if you have a mom!!

My daughter sent me  this link last night and It was moving.  It is about the toughest job in the world that pays no salary.

Renewed by The Spring


I don’t remember much about all those winters before, but this last one, I didn’t think I would make it through.  It seemed to go on and on and with it, I wasted away.  I was depressed though not in the crying and wanting life to end kind.  I felt like I was sitting in my living room all rolled up into a ball for months on end.  I was complacent. I had resigned myself into thinking that was that and I was of no use anymore.  I hoped for Spring to come but wasn’t really all that sure what it would do for me anyway.  The only bright spots were visiting with my wonderful children.

This week it has been up into the 70′s.  I literally feel like I have been thawing out.  I feel my arms and legs stretching out once again after being coiled up for so long.   I have mood swings and I am ever going up and down, but this renewal has been such a pleasant surprise!  I have already started spring cleaning.  My energy has been positive instead of just Hypomanic.   My mental calisthenics have moved into my body.  Giving my mind a break and allowing me to experience physical exertion which is much, much needed.

Even though I am a hermit, my windows have been opened up and I have ventured outside right there in front of everyone to work on cleaning out the shed not caring who might be watching from a distance.  It is ok for everyone else to be out as well.  So what if I am fat and my legs won’t move as fast as I would like them to.  I am pushing forward physically and enjoying the feeling.

I can’t say enough about just how desperately I needed spring to come this year.  The Pear trees have been in full bloom in my yard and all over the neighborhood.  The other day,  a bright red Cardinal perched in the white blossomed pear tree out my front window and the contrast of color was so pleasant to see.  The Blue Jays are out and all the colors of the season have presented themselves finally.

I hope that you are experiencing the same where you are.  Please stop to enjoy it and appreciate it.  Allow it to heal you and speak hope and life into your heart.  Apply it to your own body and mind and know that you can be awakened and restored as well.   This post may seem really corny to those reading.  But it is still real and it still has the power to change your mind, mood, and heart.

Have a great weekend everyone!  Peace!

You talk too much, you never shut up!


Thankfully, I am no longer packing up and selling off everything in one day and moving hundreds of miles away. I am no longer getting high and drunk and on the road to the beach at 90 miles an hour  in the middle of the night. Those long gone Mania episodes have shifted to Hypomania thank God. Now, about 75 percent of the time, I am hyper, heart and mind racing and talking. I love those short phases in between when I can just sleep, sleep, sleep.

I have no one really to talk to around here where I live. It seems people are either holiness, snake handling church people, or meth cooking, drunk rednecks. So, I talk up my mom. For years I tried to avoid having to deal with her and dreaded calling her cause she would get into my business. Now, I call her everyday at 11:00 am and again at 7:00 pm at the least. I talk her head off. I don’t much like small talk either. I talk fast and I say what’s on my mind. Within reason of course since it is my mom.

Recently, she has been dropping hints. She has been having trouble with her blood pressure and I am getting the feeling that it is my fault in part at least. Apparently, it goes up after talking to me. I don’t want to cause my mom to have a stroke for goodness sake. I am going to have to try to control myself.

But, who am I going to talk to? My kids are not phone talkers at all. It is a short text and that is enough for them. So, I send them long texts and I hate texting too! lol. I love spending time with them in person because I really get a chance to talk with them about all the things that we like to talk about. They are like me and like to talk about what is on their minds. My daughter is coming this weekend and I am so looking forward to having someone I can really have a conversation with. I wish they were around me all of the time.

I wish that I could be the same all of the time.  I get so sick of my moods and even my personality and views changing all over the place.  I try to look back and it seems that I have always been this way to a certain extent.  I just want to turn my brain off sometimes you know?


This weight is weighing me down


Yesterday I finally got my hair cut off short.  I like it that way but I have been keeping it down to my shoulders and bushy because I felt like it matched my body lol.  Now I look like I am all fat face and little hair lol.

As those of you who have followed my blog all along know,  I was a skinny person for the first thirty-five years of my life.  Now I am not.  After I had my breakdown and was put on all kinds of medications I gained 150 pounds in about 9 months.  What a shock!  But I managed to lose much of that weight with diet pills and going back to having a life.  But, the weight problem I have now is all me.  I can’t blame it on the medication anymore.  I have been off of those kind of medications for years now.

About two or three years ago, I found myself no longer in the relationship I was in and I had quit smoking.  Both were very good things for my life.  I have been relatively happy actually.  However, I became really happy with food.  I am sure it has taken the place of intimacy and my vices.

Over the winter it has really gotten out of hand and I feel that I just can not fight it anymore.  Last fall, I decided I was going to lose a bunch of weight.  I used my mind to control my eating.  I lost 6 pounds that month.  Everyone was so proud and thought I was off to a great start.  But that month I ate only to relieve hunger.  I had no snacks or any kind of food for pleasure.  I only ate enough to satisfy my hunger at each meal.  I never ate anything at night.  All for 6 freaking pounds!  I need to lose about 50 at least.  Then when I did lose the weight, I would still have to stick with that diet to maintain it.  I want to go back on Adipex.

Unfortunately, the area I live is so infested with prescription medication addicts that there is little chance any doctor will prescribe them now.  I feel stuck.  Part of me looks at my life full of isolation and the lack of any stimulation and I think “Screw it!”  I will just be fat and eat whatever I want for now, maybe things will change later.  But my knees are shot.  I can’t sleep comfortably and I have no energy.

I have got to do something.  I realize it every time I have the opportunity to look in the mirror and see how far gone I am.  I have learned so much about people.  I never knew what people who were overweight went through every day.    I assure you that when you see someone and think “How could they let themselves get that way?  Don’t they see how bad they look?”  the truth is,  they don’t know either.  They probably have no idea that they look as bad as they do as well.  As I look around, I still feel like the skinny person that I was.  The world looks the same therefore I think that I also look the same.  My personality is the same and I still have the same likes and dislikes.  Only when I am faced with a full-sized mirror do I realize.  It is a shock every time too.  Thankfully, I am not as obese as some people, but that doesn’t mean I am not capable of it.  I was a very small person.  I never thought I would ever be this big.  I was active and could eat anything I wanted without concern.   I thought I didn’t have anything to worry about.

People without any weight issues should be careful with what they assume when they see an obese person.   You can get there before you know it.  No one is above it.  I am in no way excusing it.  I am not telling anyone to just accept themselves and convince themselves that it is beautiful.  It is up to me to do something about it.  I realize that I am choosing this.  But it can appear really complicated when you get to this point.  I still feel that I will be back to my old self one day soon.  I just need the right incentive.  Right now, I just don’t know if I can do it.

Next Phase!


Yet again, I see that I am entering into another phase.  For a while now, I have been running from my illness.  I have been cleverly telling myself that I have risen above all of the craziness in my mind.  In reality, I have merely been fighting this alone, silently.

I have just been in a phase of fear.  Afraid to reveal any of my inner darkness.  Paranoid of exposing my imperfections.  I deleted all of my posts of two years to hide my crazy sporadic thoughts  and opinions.  They are proof that I am not stable.  They expose my altering personality traits.  I want so much to find what normal is or to know if there even is such a thing.  I still after almost 48 years of life want desperately to find myself.

I am thinking of writing again, anonymously of course, under my pen name.  I feel a need to write about my crazy mind and the experiences it has brought me to.  I want to draw a map that eventually led to my diagnosis(s).   It is going to be an undertaking but I feel compelled to.  I guess it is my way of reaching out to find someone who can relate and maybe a way to understand myself better.  We will see.

I feel as though I am moving to a more peaceful, passionate and emotional part of me.   These traits are not prominent in me but they are there and they want to be free.   I have no idea how this phase will reveal itself or what to expect from me.  I am just learning how to detect a change coming before it hits me in the face.   But I am going to try to accept whatever side of me is brought out in the near future.   Everyone reading, I hope that you have a wonderful week ahead.  Try to be positive.  Thanks for reading ♥♥


Rebecca’s Journey…

A family friend that I have known for about 20 years is needing the help of anyone who can possibly take the time to do what you can.  My friend’s little girl has been diagnosed with a  degenerative eye disease called Keratoconu.   If you can possibly help with your thoughts and prayers and also financially it would be greatly appreciated.  ♥♥

Looking out my window…

I think being alone all of the time and basically being a sort of recluse really affects my thinking.  The less I interact with other people, the less I can tolerate them from a distance.  I hate that.  When I was social, I felt like I could understand most anyone.  It seemed that there was always something about a person that I could relate to.  Now, I am a grumpy ol’ lady who doesn’t have the patience to even try any understand others.

Another thing I do a lot of while being a loner, is that I  think and analyse way too much.  I am obsessed with knowing what makes the world go round and what makes people tick.  I am constantly writing blog posts in my mind about all these things I come up with in my head. I thought that this time I would actually write it down.  Maybe someone sees it too or has an answer.  I don’t claim to have any answers myself, all I have is what I perceive. The thing on my mind lately is the economy: namely Jobs, heath care and consumer products.

From outside my window, I see the garage collector.  He just drives down the street texting and talking on the cell as a big arm comes out and lifts the big red bins we are all provided with to put our garbage in, and dumps the contents into the top of the big garbage truck.  I remember that not long ago, it took about three garbage people to collect trash.  They picked up all of the trash too.  One guy drove while two dudes hung on the back and they stopped at every house and emptied whatever container you had at the curb.  They also picked up all the stuff you sat out with it in boxes and bags.

I look at this and think why?  Why don’t they want to employ enough men to actually do the job?  My neighbors still haven’t gotten it.  They still put out extra trash next to the big red bin and expect the dude that is driving and texting to actually get out of the truck.   So the boxes just sit there for a couple of weeks untill they finally realize that they have to pay 20$ to take it to the dump themselves.

I walk into a store and I see four or five check outs and one lone teenager there being the cashier for the whole line of people.  No one in the store to help you find anything.  No one to answer a question.  I order a pizza and it takes an hour and a half to be delivered and they always say “sorry but there is only one driver”.  Why aren’t there more people working?  Is it that companies don’t want to pay enough employees or people are too lazy to work?

My dad had heart surgery last spring and they are still getting bills.   The insurance company will only pay so much on each bill and the rest is up to the patient.  One bill alone was for over 200,000 dollars.  I get into debates about Government health care and who is responsible for paying for everyone’s insurance.  Then I think, why is the problem always how we are going to pay and not how is the Government going to regulate how much health care services charge?  An MRI can cost between 500-5,000 according to which hospital you get one at.  How is it possible that it really takes that much money for a fifteen minute ride in one?  They say that they have to make up for the cost of treating the uninsured.  Well, no wonder people aren’t insured. No wonder insurance premiums have to cost an arm and a leg.  People say that they are the ones who have to shell out the cost for the uninsured.  Isn’t there a solution to this merry-go-round?  From what I see, the doctors are not starving.

Have you ever gotten hooked on a certain kind of cookie?  You pick up a pack every time you go grocery shopping.  But you know, if you saved that very first box you bought and compared it to the box you are getting now, you would see that the box has gotten ridiculously smaller, there are less cookies in the box and the price is doubled at least.  Doesn’t that piss you off just a bit?  They think that we are so stupid that they can pull stuff like this and we will never notice.

Everything seems to be about how little they can put out and still get business?  How much can they gauge out of people and get away with it?  How little can they offer and still get the best profit? From what I see outside my window, the problems we have in America are all caused by one thing GREED!

Thank you for reading and letting me get that off of my chest.  I hope you are all staying warm and safe.  Hoping for Spring!  Take care!