This was never a favorite song and it wasn’t my favorite band, but this song came to mind as I was thinking about the fact that I really could use an escape from my brain about now. I don’t take antipsychotics anymore and I really don’t need them. But, I do have those days when my mind does get a bit off. Lately, I have been feeling kind of caught in between, so to speak. It feels like part of my mind is a bit manic and yet another part a little on the depressive side. This is mixed with not a whole lot of motivation and results in a type of boredom. I think too much about so many little detailed things that I really could do without wasting energy on. I thought about getting drunk but the yucky feeling afterward makes it so not worth it. I wish there was a magical pill I could take that would make me feel really carefree yet normal at the same time. Something that would give me a break from my ever paranoid, racing and analytical mind, without. of course, any side effects. But, I shall wait it out as I do each time.
Maybe it is the season or something. I made a decision to put up a Christmas tree this year. With my bad memory, I can not remember when was the last time I decorated a tree. I am sure it was quite a few years ago. I have no one at home, my kids are both on their own, but I thought maybe my furry kids would be amused by it. Last night I got out the box and planned to just throw the tree together really quick and watch the lights with my kitty and dog. I had forgotten what an ordeal it really is. I forgot that you have to match up the branches with the other ones with the same little dab of color on them. Many of them had no color indication that I could see. I had to fight with the tree stand. One of the legs had broken off of it. I had no glue to put it back together so I ended up using a little duct tape and some packing tape to stick it back together lol. By the time I got all of the branches on and had the tree standing straight, I was exhausted. I was doing it all for the animals but they were totally bored by the time I got the tree put together. Sasha, my dog, had went off to bed. So, I guess, sometime today I will get started on the lights. I hope I don’t have any problems with those.
I was looking through the decorations and some I have had for years and years and they bring back old memories. It feels kind of weird in a way. It seems like it was a part of someone else’s life instead of mine. Back when my first child was born, me and their dad started a tradition of getting a new bear ornament for each child every year. Then we could give them their own decorations to put on their tree when they grew up. Neither of the kids have gotten around to getting those ornaments yet because they haven’t really put up a tree yet to need them. I am saving them for when they need them. So, I went through them and remembered all those Christmases of them growing up. It is just so weird, remembering the past. Their dad just recently e-mailed the kids to ask them to send their ornaments back to him if they didn’t want them so that he could give them to his other children he has had since from another marriage. Both kids were pretty offended. They say that they feel like he just said “scratch that” about his first family and made a new one without them. I wonder what their thoughts are this time of year, their memories. I hope they are good ones.
My parents have everything so I got the idea to buy up a bunch treats that they particularly like and make them both a big stocking. I picked out specific candies, nuts and fruits that they both love and stuffed them each a stocking full. Last Thursday, I took them over to them with a card. I can’t stress enough how hard it is to please them, especially my mother. Usually everything I try to do is met with all the reasons I shouldn’t have done it and how it is not want they wanted. Mom usually gripes about all the money or time I have wasted. But, they were truly grateful and excited about the stockings. I don’t know why but making them happy with me has always been very important to me and something I have constantly been striving for since a child. They were so happy with their gifts and have been talking about them since. That put my dad in the Christmas spirit and he started getting out his little decorations and putting them up in the living room. A lot of them are things that my son bought for them at the little gift shop they always had at the elementary school he went to as a little boy. He loved buying us all gifts there every year. He was so giving. My dad began to cry as he got out those little knickknacks and put them up. It was so sweet. Those times are very rare in my family.
I also want to mention that it has been two years ago from last week that I quite smoking after being a smoker for about 20 years. I am so thankful for that! With God’s help, I have been able to stick with it and never start up again. I am not a person who sticks to things I start very well so this was a kind of miracle. I am thankful for so much no matter what is going on in my crazy little mind. I have come so far it is hard to believe!
How is your Christmas season going so far? I hope that it is a good one and not a sad time for you. Most of all, I pray that you all have peace this Christmas. I hope you all have someone to spend time with. Love you all! ♥