Tearing down my fortress…


Hi everyone!  Boy I have been so busy lately.  My daughter has moved in with me after going through a divorce and it has been nonstop moving her in.  In a couple of weeks, my son is also coming to stay with me for a few months as well.  It is going to be like old times again. All of us here together in the house they grew up in!  I am so glad that I have a place for my children when they need to come home for a while.

It is a small house but we made it work before so we should be able to all co-inhabit pretty well.  It is a big adjustment for me being that I have lived here alone for five years.  I had grown into an isolated, ritualistic, ocd nut.  My house was always perfect.  I had no clutter  and I had my own strict ways of doing things and certain times of doing them.  Now everything is up in the air. I think this is good for me to get out of that rut but it has been hard on me.  Yet it has been great as well.

I have been spending more time with my girlfriend also and it is wonderful but still another adjustment.  Seems like now I miss her more when she is not here than I did when I didn’t see her as much.  When we aren’t together it seems like we get more frustrated and fight more too.  We have some issues with communication, especially when we are just mostly texting when we are apart.

One thing about texting is that you can not hear the other persons tone of voice while they are saying something and it is easy to take things the wrong way.  When that happens it seems to snowball from there.  She wants to clam up when she thinks I have said something offensive and I just get more frustrated until I get so angry that I say things that I never should have said.  Afterward we are left doubting and wondering if we will ever make it.  If we were together all of the time, maybe our communication would be much better. We are wonderful together when we are in person.  But it is a risk.  What if we made this big change and she moved here where we would be together every day and it didn’t get better?  Would we survive the adjustment?  It just seems like things are at a point where we need to get closer. Now I am going to have a houseful here and very little privacy.

I talked to my therapist about my part and she suggested that when I am frustrated with my girlfriend, instead of exploding in text or Facebook messenger, to open my “memo” app on my phone and get it all out of my system there instead of to her. Then I can stop and think through what I have written and realize before it is too late that I shouldn’t talk to her that way.  I have an awful temper and when I am mad, I want to be cruel and vindictive.  I have been trying to change  but that is one fault that is hard to control.

So many changes, adjustments and decisions…. I am drained right now.  I don’t want things to go back to the way they were, but I just wish the changes would get over with soon and I could relax in the “new” normal.  My kids need me, my girlfriend needs me and my parents need me as welI.  Also, I can’t neglect myself in all of this..  I have been trying to help my parents out for a while now with grocery shopping and errands and I don’t want to neglect them.  I need strength and a big dose of energy.  A few nerve pills would help too!

I hope that all of you who read are doing well and enjoying the extra nice spring weather.  Thanks for reading and have a great day! Wish me luck and say a prayer for me too! Thanks!


It’s been a while hasn’t it?

You-dont-develop-courage-by-being-happy-in-your-relationships-everyday_-You-develop-it-by-surviving-difficult-times-and-challenging-adversityWell here we go! It has been a while since I posted.  I guess the only excuse I have is that I have been lazy.  Many times I have thought about posting and went over some things I could say in my mind but never made it to the computer.  Things have been a bit complicated…

First of all I want to say how thankful I am that winter is over (I hope).  It is hard for me when the snow keeps me indoors for any period of time.  I had thought that we had been blessed with a really mild winter until that last-minute blizzard we got that kept me snow bound for a week and a half.  I thought I was going to lose my mind at one point.  I was out of some of my medicine and needed groceries and went to leave and my truck went right into the ditch.  I did find out what nice neighbors I have though.  I am not one to get chummy with neighbors because I don’t trust them.  They get opinions and they gossip.  But I realized that I hadn’t given them enough credit after a couple of them came to my rescue.  I am just so glad that spring has sprung!

I mentioned in my last post that I have met someone. We’ve been together about three months now and it has been interesting to say the least.  I am an extremely passionate person.  I am passionate about expressing my love and I am unfortunately also passionate about expressing my hurt and anger.  Even as old as I am I am relatively inexperienced with real relationships.  I have had many encounters but not intimate close ongoing situations.  I am realizing so much about me.  Stuff I don’t like.  She isn’t perfect either.  She is very young, for one thing, and requires lots of patience.  A gift I now know that I am not all that blessed with.

We have very little in common outside of the bed but we can not walk away from each other.  It seems that the more conflict we have, the closer we become and the stronger our bond.  Will this last a lifetime? I’m not so sure. But we are trying.  I am working on changing some things about myself so we will see.  I know now that I do not want to be alone anymore. I know that I am not as old as I have made myself think I am and there is a lot more energy in me than I ever realized.  I am aware that being alone is not the answer for me.  I need people, and I need love.  But relationships are so very hard for me.  I hope this gets easier.  I am hoping that having her in my life will make me a better person.  We both have so many issues that it has been touch and go many times.  I learn more each time though about how to treat a woman I love.

Before I end I just want to rant a bit about judgmental people.  I am appalled about what is going on in Indiana and just with people in general.  I think it is time that as humans we start evolving past the discrimination. All the homophobic and racial nonsense that is still going on is ridiculous .   Who do people think they are???  What makes some people think that they are in any place to set the standards for everyone else?  Where do people get off thinking they are any better than anyone else just because they are too stubborn to take a second and try to understand anyone who happens to be different???  People think they are doing “God’s work”! They think that is what following Jesus is all about.  But best I remember from church, there was a woman in the bible that was an adulterous and they wanted to stone her to death.  What did Jesus say? “He who is without sin cast the first stone”.  If people are so dead set in believing that  the bible has all the answers, they need to follow the whole thing then, and not pick out what they think they can judge other people for.  There will come a day when that bullshit won’t be tolerated anymore. That is all.  Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a great Easter weekend ♥

Is it safe to come out yet?

images1GYQK73V  I hope everyone has had a happy holiday and recovered from it as well.  I, as always, got hung up in preparing for it and then feeling a little down after it was over.  I do this every year for some reason.  I just imagine everything going perfect and it never does.

This year I went to my daughters for Christmas.  We had plans to cook dinner together. A bonding experience.  Instead she got a terrible stomach virus and I went early to help take care of her.  I cooked on Christmas and she could hardly eat.  Poor thing.  Then a day after I got back, I had the virus myself.  Then that gloomy feeling set in.  Here comes a new lonely year.  Another winter with no one to keep me warm.

In the middle of that pity party I met some one!.  I can’t believe how wonderful she is.  I haven’t felt this way in my life.  I am looking forward to this year with a whole new outlook now.  Damn the cold winter!  I will be warm.  I am learning some things about myself this time too. I am learning to be more gentle and thoughtful.  I am becoming an old softy now.  I welcome the changes because this relationship is well worth it so far.

Don’t get me wrong, it is mighty cold here about now.  No snow yet to speak of but close to it.  But the worse the winter is, the more we appreciate the spring right?  I hope that all of you reading are staying warm and have warm hearts surrounding you this January!



Hey all!  I hope you are all having a great Christmas season.  Mine has been really good so far.  I have all but one gift ready to wrap.  The one gift is lost in the mail but I am hoping it will make its way here in a few days.  I love doing my shopping online.  I got a few things in store for my parents and I thought I would go insane.  All the waiting and maneuvering around people who seem to not have a clue that there are others that need to get by.  I don’t really know how people can get so lost in what they are doing that they forget that others are there trying to do the same thing.  I must say, when I am out in public, I try to be always aware of those around me and not get in their way.  Oh well, this isn’t going to be a rant lol.

I just got my new glasses yesterday.  I hadn’t worn glasses in fifteen years or more except for reading.  These are my first bifocals. They are “progressive” so that makes them easier to get used to.  I think I am going to be pretty happy with them.  It is kind of nice to be getting a whole new look.  With dying my hair blond and now the glasses, I feel like I can let go of the past more. I feel like I can go in public and people from my past will not even know it is me.  Plus, I am slowly losing weight too.  I’ve lost about 27 lbs.  in the last few months. I have a long way to go to get where I need to be but it sure is helping me to feel better.  I got one of those trampolines that you use for exercise.  It is awesome.  It just about takes over my living room though.  I have some new “Cardio” channels set on my Pandora now and I am having a ball on that thing.


I am going to be going up to my daughters for Christmas day this year.  I’m torn about leaving my parents alone on Christmas, but my mother is really not in good enough health to be cooking those big holiday meals anymore.  She cooked for Thanksgiving but it just about killed her. But if anyone is here, she will cook.  I think she is still going to make a smaller Thanksgiving for her and dad anyway though.   But I am excited about cooking with my daughter!  We have never done this before.  Before I moved up here near my parents, she was too young to help me cook dinner on holidays.  So, this will be memorable.  She is going through some things right now and I hope this will help the holidays be better for her.

I have learned that I really enjoy shopping and buying things for myself.  I have never really done that before.  I always use up money on bills or stupid stuff.  But I have been having a little extra money trickling in due to an inheritance and I can get used to shopping and getting things for my house and new clothes that don’t come from Kmart lol.  I feel very blessed right now.  My life has been changing for the better. I have been changing!  I am feeling quite normal for a change lol!

Again, I wish you all the best for this holiday season!  I hope you can set aside any quarrels and troubles of life and make some good memories.  Until next time…

It isn’t always so bad…


I hope everyone reading is doing well and things are on the positive side.  I know that sometime negativity comes in and our lives can change for the worse before we know it.

When I first started this blog, I had been, and still was going through the worst time in my life.  Everything was hopeless.  I was broken and I couldn’t be fixed. I had to go on a lot of medicine with many side effects.  Everything was gone, including my mind. There was no more hope. At least that is how it seemed.

Yesterday, I got on Facebook after I got home from visiting my daughter and discovered that one of my Facebook friends had died the night before.  I really didn’t know her.  We had only talked a couple of times.  But, it is a really weird feeling when that happens.  One day she is on talking about how much she loves her girlfriend and then she is just gone forever.  I read some of the tributes that friends and family had written on her page and found out that she suffered from depression as well and a really bad narcotics addiction.  She was going to NA but she still couldn’t get off the drugs.  Apparently she had died of an overdose.  That is so sad…

I was going through a severe depression when I started this blog and many of the people who followed me were going through really bad times as well.  Many wrote of feeling hopeless.  I tried to say something to make my blogging friends feel better but it didn’t seem to help.  So, I stopped trying.  My life has changed a lot over the almost three years of blogging.  I don’t blog about mental health much anymore. But, I just want to say to anyone who might still be reading this blog and are still feeling hopeless, things do change.  Sometimes they change for the worse, but they are just as likely to change for the better.  Things may be up and down but at least they are up sometimes.

I am not at all together and things are not perfect for me.  Some of the damage that has been done to me is permanent.  I will never get some things back.  But, I have come such a long way by just not giving up.  I can look back and be so thankful that I held on.  I can look positively at a big part of my life now. Things get rough and I still get down.  I still go through resentments, regret, anger, sadness.  But somehow I have, through pure experience, learned to cope with it instead of letting it control me. I hope that anyone who feels that life will never get better will  trust me that it can.  I still have to take some medicine to help me but I am thankful that I have found what works for me.  I can feel somewhat normal.  I can feel the good and not just the bad.

You all take care now! ♥

And Da DA Da Da da, life goes on….


I just thought I would post a bit today.  Things happen and I think to myself, “I should write a post about this” but then I never do.  So, I guess I am just keeping things up to date.

First of all, if you can see my avatar, I am now a blonde.  This is something I have only done once briefly way back in my early 20’s.  It didn’t turn out so good so I vowed I wouldn’t do it again.  But hence, in my ripe old age of 48 I have went and did it again.  This time, I am quite pleased with it.  Unfortunately, it hasn’t caused me to have any more fun yet but I am definitely trying.

I had posted about my testing for ADHD last time and the results are that I seem to have mild ADHD but that a lot of what seems to be that is in reality my anxiety that makes me the way I am.  I am not surprised.  I have had a severe problem with anxiety for a long time.  I was on medication for  several years, but the doctor I have now will not prescribe it so I had to wean myself off of it about a year and a half ago.  I see my regular physiologist in a couple of weeks and we will discuss what, if anything, we can do about it.

Mostly I am just watching my weight and paying attention to portion control when it comes to my diet lately.   I did lose about 15 lbs over the last few months but I am not sure if I have kept it all off.  I think I am up a pound or two again. I have indulged in too much Olive Garden lately with the endless pasta bowl and all.  But I am taking back the control now and hopefully I will begin losing once again.

The main thing that has been on my mind is my love life.  I don’t even know if I actually have one but I have been talking to a woman for the past month or so.  But that is all we have been doing, talking.  By that I mean on Facebook messenger, and text.  She only lives about an hour away.  I have been to her city a few times and wanted to see her but she is always unavailable.  She has made plans to see me several times and then something always comes up.

I don’t even think we would be right for each other.  The only thing that makes her compatible is the things we have discussed about sex.   Everything else about her, I do not even understand.  I know that the truth is that she probably really has no plans to meet me in person.  But every time she starts making plans, I get my hopes up.  I want to ask her about the things that I don’t understand but not in text.  These things are subjects that I would want to discuss in person.  I am frustrated to say the least.

Finding another woman in this area that is compatible is impossible.  So, this is really the best opportunity I have had in a long time.  But, I have faced the facts over and over and stopped talking to her.  But after a day or two of not talking, she starts reeling me in again.  I think that maybe she has a desire to be a lesbian but is not ready to actually live it out.  She says she has had other girlfriends but I am starting to doubt it.  From seeing her interact on Facebook, I really don’t think she is actually doing anything maliciously toward me.  I think maybe she is just really confused.  Of course I am hoping that she will get up the nerve to take a chance with me. Maybe we could work out together once I can figure her out.

Just writing about this seems so pathetic.  But I like to be honest about what’s going on in my life and mind and this is it right now.  I am sure that soon I will completely get fed up with all the teasing and put a stop to it but right now I am not ready to give up hope altogether.  I am alone and it has been lonely lately and this is at least some interaction.

In other news, I am so proud of my kids.  They have become such wonderful independent adults.  My daughter and her husband just moved into the nicest apartment they have ever had and both have really good jobs.  My daughter alone is making more money than I ever did.  I am looking forward to seeing my son and his lady next month.  I am so proud of him as well.  I wasn’t the best mother while they were growing up.  I was big on love and acceptance but not good with teaching them how to be adults and responsible.  I wasn’t an example of that myself at that time.  But thankfully, they have grown up so awesome.

I am sure I will take the time to post sometime in the future but it hasn’t been very often lately.  I appreciate all of you who read and especially those who like and comment.  Lots of love! ♥

ADHD at 48?

Doctors have mentioned ADHD to me before but I am now finally doing the testing for it.  I had all of the symptoms of ADD when I was a child but no one ever saw it and if they had, my parents wouldn’t have been open to testing. 

I have been diagnosed with a slew of mental disorders over the last several years.  My symptoms have been changing and changing again.  It has been hard to pinpoint anything exactly.  I started out with a nervous disorder and then it changed to Borderline personality disorder.  Then they finally settled on Bipolar II disorder with psychotic features.  But now, I am not having those symptoms anymore.

I am hyper 90% of the time.  The other 10% I am collapsed in a heap on my couch sleeping finally.   I am not depressed just tired in those times.  When I am hyper, it is like Hypomania.  however, it is almost non-stop.  It was mentioned once before by a different psychiatrist than my regular one. But nothing was done, no testing was scheduled.  Now finally, I will know for sure in the next couple months.

I find that psychological testing is extremely stressful for me.  A lot of the time when I get tested, I get so nervous that I get sick and have to stop and continue the test the next day.  This time is no different.  I have finished the first 400 questions.  I am having the observer test done by my daughter this weekend.  Then I will have the other half of the questions next month.  I dread the next set of questions but I am determined to complete this because I want to know for sure if it is what I am experiencing. 

Here are some of the symptoms I have been experiencing:  As a child, I got in trouble all of the time for talking too much, not staying in my seat, not “applying myself” and not finishing my work.  I don’t share this a lot but I barely graduated.  In fact, my principle called me the day of graduation and informed me that I could walk down the isle. I am sure they just passed me in one class even though I know I had an F.  I tried to attend college.  I had big plans to be a writer.  But I couldn’t handle it.  I have started college twice.  I have rocked in my chair since I can remember every time I sit down. When I’m standing, I am rocking back and forth on each hip.

I have always done everything fast.  I walk fast, talk fast, eat fast, ect.  I get easily frustrated. I am impatient.  I write everything down and even at times give myself a time allotment to try to force myself focus on what I have to do and finish it.  Thoughts run fast and furious through my head 24 hours a day (and night).  I know that I have other problems a long with this but I think that some of my other problems are just me trying to cope with not being able to focus. 

I have no confidence in myself because I know my history.  I know how I fail at so much at things even though I try my heart out.  It isn’t really depressing for me because at this point in my life I have resigned myself to this fact.  I deal with life as I know it.

I am anxious to find out if this is my problem and if so, how can I treat it.  I am always looking for that big answer to my life that will fix me.  I dream of finding out the source of what’s wrong with me and it changing my life completely.  That probably won’t happen.  But I can not help but hope.

I hope you all are having a great weekend!